


Letters From Sirius

by Living_Free



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Benignly nosy Dumbledore, Crack, Everyone that matters anyway, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Incessantly annoying yet somehow sweet Draco Malfoy, Logical Hermione Granger, Not Canon Compliant - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Regulus is a Ghost, Remus is slightly less excited, Sirius 'What is grammar' Black, Sirius is very excited, Sunshine boy Harry Potter, Vexed and frustrated Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-10-25 00:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17715047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: When Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban in 1993, he did not abscond to the forest and live as a dog, brooding about vengeance over Peter Pettigrew.Instead, he absconded to a bed and breakfast in the muggle countryside where the owner was an old, blind, woman named Wilma, and asked only for a bed and some papers. And a writing instrument, please.Then, he wrote some letters.





	1. Chapter 1

When Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban in 1993, he did not abscond to the forest and live as a dog, brooding about vengeance over Peter Pettigrew. 

Instead, he absconded to a bed and breakfast in the muggle countryside where the owner was an old, blind, woman named Wilma, and asked only for a bed and some papers. And a writing instrument, please. 

Then, he wrote some letters.

***  
October 20th, 1993

Dear Moony,

It is I, Sirius, who has broken out of Azkaban! How are you? I am fine. I was not fine for a long time though, because of the dementors and my own self blame and torture, but I feel better now that I am regularly having chicken soup and sunshine! 

I need to tell you that I’m actually innocent! Yes, I didn’t murder Peter, even though I really wanted to! He was the secret keeper, not me. We switched, see. Then he betrayed Lily and James and blew up a street, and transformed into a rat to escape!

He’s at Hogwarts now, I checked. He’s posing as the pet of a ginger kid called Ronald. The kid has big ears and looks goofy. But his rat is Peter, check his paw! Missing it’s index finger, it is. 

Speaking of kids, I miss Harry. Do you think that you could tell him that I love him very much? I will come to see him once I am free of all charges. I will also come to live with you, is that okay? I don’t want to be alone anymore, so we should live together.

Love,

Sirius.

***

Remus proceeded to have kittens and showed the rest of the staff the letter. 

The rest, as they say, is history. 

***

October 22nd 1993

Sirius Black,

How dare you shock me half to death like that! We caught Peter, and he’s been turned over to the Ministry. The news should be in the Prophet by tomorrow. He is going to be handed over to the dementors. 

You are going to tell me where you are, and I am coming to get you. How could you be so irresponsible as to not tell anyone about this? I am hopping mad right now.

I am taking care of the paperwork, and you are now a free man. Write me your return address, and I’ll pick you up. You’d better be in a safe place, otherwise I will be very cross with you.

Don’t get up to any mischief until I get there. 

Love,

Remus.

***  
October 23rd 1993,

Dear Harry,

Hello, my name is Sirius Black! You may know me as the formerly-convicted-murderer-who-is-actually-innocent-and-did-not-betray-your-parents. I am also your godfather, which makes you my godson! 

I’m sorry that I haven’t introduced myself for so long, but you know. Azkaban. Anyway, I will see you soon, and we can live happily ever after! 

I am thinking of going to Spain. I heard that it is very warm there, and I think I would like that. We should go there for a vacation! You can bring your friends too, but ask for their parents permission first. I don’t want to go back to the slammer for kidnapping. I am going to bring Remus, because he is my best friend! 

I also have a big honking crush on Remus, so I am going to be very charming! Try not to be blown away. 

Would you like to go to Madrid or Barcelona? I think Madrid would be nice. Write back and tell me your preference!

Love,

Sirius.

***

October 24th 1993

Dear Mr. Sirius,

Hi, it’s nice to hear from you. I was really glad to hear that I had a godfather who is actually not a convict, and am looking forward to meeting you. I think it will be soon, Professor Lupin is being very jittery and doing some packing to come and get you. 

He’s very worried, which makes him testy, so watch out. 

I think it’s nice that you like Professor Lupin, but I think all of seventh year is also crushing on him, so you have competition. 

You really want to take me on vacation? That sounds so cool! I would love to go to Madrid with you and Professor Lupin! You sound really nice, I can’t wait to see you!

I have to go now, Professor McGonagall is giving me the evil eye for writing this in class. 

Bye for now,

Harry.

***

Dear Harry,

Madrid it is! Just have to convince Remus to stop being angry and come with us. He’s been yelling at me for two hours, and he just stopped to take a nap. 

I am going to woo Remus back, just you wait and watch! I am very charming! 

I will going to be at Hogwarts tomorrow to see you. I am going to bring you chocolate. Do you like chocolate? I’ll buy treacle tarts too, they were James’ favorites. Lily liked chocolate frogs, but I don’t like chocolate much. It upsets my tummy. 

I’m so excited to meet you, I can barely sit still! 

I have to go now, Remus woke up and is yelling again, but not at me, at some reporters. I’m going to help him yell at them. 

Toodles,

Sirius.

***

October 25th 1993,

Dear Sirius,

I know that I’m going to see you in a few hours, but I’m so excited that I couldn’t wait! I’m writing this letter anyway.

My friend Hermione approves of your plan to woo Professor Lupin, but she thinks you need a plan. We can help you, Hermione is very smart. She’s also planning the Madrid trip for us. Can we go the museum, please? Hermione is very hot for knowledge.

Hermione is my best friend, along with Ron Weasley, who was the one Pettigrew was staying with as a rat. Ron’s pretty freaked out about that, and really upset. He's made friends with Mrs Norris, and they've taken up rat huning together.

You don’t have to buy me anything! Gosh, that’s so nice of you! It was nice to find out that dad liked treacle tarts. I do too! And mum liked chocolates? It’s nice to know these things about them that I never knew before, it makes me feel a bit closer to them.

Looking forward to seeing you,

Harry.

P.S. - What’s Professor Lupin’s favorite colour? Neville says that he can grow roses in different colours.

***

Sirius came, Sirius saw, and Sirius cried for two hours, hugging Harry the whole while. 

Harry didn’t mind being cried on, not when he cried too. 

***

There was so much treacle tart. So. Much.

Sirius bought Ron a tiny owl. Ron thought Sirius was the coolest man ever to walk the Earth, and pledged himself to The School Of Sirius “Wicked Cool” Black. Sirius gave Ron a leather jacket that was too big on him.

Ron wore it everyday until Professor McGonagall made him take it off.

Sirius met Hermione, who gave him a detailed plan to woo Professor Lupin and a vacation itenerary. Sirius said that he and Hermione were going to be best friends. 

***

Draco was following Harry and Sirius around, yelling about things like House honour, and birthright, and Lord Black, and Keys to Black Manor. Sirius listened for ten minutes before asking who he was. 

“I am Draco Perseus Malfoy, of House Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy and Narcissa Malfoy née Black, of House Black-“

“Oh, you are my baby cousin,” Sirius said, and gave Draco a long noogie. 

Draco’s screams were music to Harry’s ears.

***

Severus Snape did not like Sirius Black. 

Sirius Black did not like Severus Snape.

Remus was tired of the two men grandstanding in his bedroom over his sickbed, when all he wanted was to sleep. 

“Get out, Snivellus.”

“No, you get out, Black.”

“Why are you even here?” Sirius asked, before gasping. “You want to woo Remus away from me!”

“Tchah! Don’t be ridiculous! I am here to administer Lupin’s wolfsbane!”

“What’s that?”

Remus explained tiredly, and by the end, Sirius was convinced that Snape was a greasy but misunderstood soul who really had a heart of gold. Because really, who would help poor Remus otherwise?

Sirius kissed Snape out of thankfulness.

Snape checked himself into the hospital wing to quarantine himself. His symptoms were mild delirium, shaking, and his insisting that he had been exposed to a most vile contaminant. Even though Madam Pomfrey told him to go away, Snape insisted on prowling around the hospital wing anyway, in case there were any delayed symptoms.

***  
***


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius makes plan and utilizes bad grammar.
> 
> Harry continues to be a wholesome sunshine and pudding child, and Regulus makes his slightly translucent entrance.

November 1st 1993

Dear Mr. Black,

Please stop spamming us with owls. We are working on your permanent record as I write this letter. Bureaucracy takes time. 

Yours Sincerely,

Kingsley Shacklebolt

The Auror Office,  
Department of Magical Law Enforcement

***

November 5th, 1993

Dear Harry,

You will be pleased to find that I now have an apartment in Hogsmeade! It is very nice, I decorated it myself. During your holidays, you, Remus, and I can live together, it will be a gala time had by all!

Sorry, I slipped into rich person speak just then. 

Anywho, I’m looking forward to the holidays! 

See you then!

Love,

Sirius.

***

December 16th 1993

Dear Sirius, 

It’s almost Christmas hols, and I can’t wait to see you again! Professor Lupin is also glad, but he’s better at hiding his smiles than I am. 

Draco Malfoy has taken to following me around and giving me official looking documents, and taking about the ancestral House of Black. He reckons that we should open up the house again. Hermione got a hold of the papers and agrees with him (gasp), owing to the magical nature of house ownership. 

Should we do that over the hols?

Love,

Harry.

***

Despite Sirius’ misgivings, he, Harry, and Remus went to open Grimmauld Place once more so that the ownership could transfer officially to Sirius. 

They stepped in, tore up the painting of the mean old screaming lady that Sirius cussed happily at, and found a crotchety old house elf that they sent to work at Hogwarts, and also a ghost that made Sirius scream-cry. It was later revealed that it was the ghost of Sirius’ younger brother Regulus, who had turned traitor on Voldemort, and had some very interesting information about him. 

They ended up taking Regulus home with them, back to Number 17, Sunshine Cottage, Hogsmeade.

***

Regulus was nice, Harry thought, kind of like a spooky big brother. He was very chatty, and told Harry lots of stories about growing up with Sirius. Sirius spent a lot of time crying, and trying to hug his brother’s ghost. 

When he wasn’t bothering Regulus, Sirius was busy flirting with Remus and showing Harry lots of fun new spells. Remus, curiously, always blushed when Sirius flirted with him.

“They’re so dumb,” Regulus told Harry one night over a game of exploding snap, “they should just get on with it and bone. The sexual tension is driving me mad, and I am stuck as an eighteen year old virgin ghost for all eternity.”

Harry wondered if there was a ghost dating service so he could hook poor Regulus up.

***

Dumbledore visited frequently under the guise of conferring with Regulus about horcruxes. In reality, he was there to watch the soap opera that was Sirius’ Courtship of Remus, and to teach Harry how to make homemade lemon drops. 

***

January 3rd 1993,

Dear Sirius,

Term’s just started and I miss you already. Remus misses you too, he keeps sighing and looking at your picture. Professor Snape finally lost it and screamed during breakfast. Professor Dumbledore stuffed a lemon drop into his mouth, it was great.

Maybe you can come down to visit? I’m sure Remus would be over the moon. 

Heh. Moon.

Love,

Harry.

***

January 4th 1993

I’m coming!

Love,

Sirius.

***

“I’ve brought you some flowers, Moony.”

“Thank you Sirius, that’s so sweet.” 

Remus gave him a peck on the cheek, and this quashed the dreams of all the girls and several boys at Hogwarts. 

“Harry my sunshine cub, I’ve brought you Regulus, because he was missing you and was trying to be macho about it.”

“Hi Reg!” Harry beamed. “You’ve never seen Gryffindor Tower, have you? Have you seen the kitchens? They’re great, full of nice elves. You’ll love ‘em. And you haven’t met Ron, or Hermione-“

“Yay,” Regulus mumbled, but followed his god-nephew/brother happily enough. 

Suddenly, Draco appeared. 

“Regulus Black! You were my godfather!”

Regulus lifted a translucent eyebrow. “Draco?”

“Yes, ‘tis I!”

“Last time I saw you, you were a baby. Less loud, more smelly.”

“Why are you going with Potter? You are a Slytherin - come with me!”

“Harry is my god-nephew.”

“You are my godfather!”

“Ugh, are we related?” Harry muttered, glancing at Draco. Draco took this as a signal to recite his entire genealogy, and indicated which ancestors had intermarried into the Potter line, and into other Noble houses. Halfway through this spiel, Harry tried to escape, but Draco clawed at his robes and held him back, still prattling on. 

Regulus was very happy that he was non-corporeal.

***

February 6th 1993

Dear Harry,

It is almost Valentine’s Day, and I have a great plan to sweep Moony off of his feet! I require some assistance from you and your friends, though. I know Hermione is a great planner, and Neville has access to a lot flowers. I will need you and Ron to deliver the best performances of your young lives. 

Do you think you’re up to it?

Love,

Sirius.

***  
February 7th 1993

Dear Sirius,

Heck yes, tell me what to do!

Love,

Harry.

*** 

February 8th 1993

Dear Harry,

It has just occurred to me that you are, in fact, a teenager and that you are in the throes of hormonal angst. I would ask that for this Valentine’s Day, you refrain from any penile action with the opposite, or indeed, same sex. I have yet to give you The Talk. 

And yes, Moony is making me write this. And yes, he is looking over my shoulder as I write this.

Love you lots,

Sirius.

***

Dear Harry-pup,

Sorry about the last letter, Remus made me write that. 

As for the plan, I need to set up a romantic dinner chez mine. I have procured two fake moustaches and waiter outfits for Ron and yourself, and Regulus is going to serenade us with a ghost violin!

I need Hermione’s help with the menu, and to meet Neville or some flowers. I shall also spirit you away from school for some time next week to help pick out a ring for Remus! I am so excited! 

When do you have potions, I’ll help you cut class.

Love,

Sirius.

***

February 9th 1993,

Dear Sirius,

Aww, you’re getting married! I’m so glad! Hermione is meeting with the kitchen elves to discuss a menu, and Neville has grown these pretty blue roses for you. 

Ron fancies himself a star in the fake moustache and he’s been using it to give Draco nightmares. 

I have double potions tomorrow, can we skip then?

You’re the best,

Love,

Harry.

***

Dear Harry,

Hoo hoo hoo excellent idea. 

Love and licks,

Sirius.

***

“The principal ingredient for a flu reliever potion is, of course- Sirius Black!” Snape yelped, as Sirius materialized at the door. Everyone snickered. 

“Hello, yes, I am here to take Harry away, we are having a family emergency, we are.”

“No you are not, Potter will stay and finish his potion!”

“It’s a really big emergency! I might even need Hermione and Ron.”

“Granger and Weasley are not your family. Name this emergency.”

“I need to...visit Regulus’ grave. Harry would be my moral support.”

“Regulus does not have a grave, and he is a ghost who lives with you. Cease lying to me.”

“I made a grave for him, didn’t want him to feel left out. Can I take Harry?”

“No. Take Lupin.”

“Remus is teaching a class.”

“You mean he is stuffing children full of chocolate under the guise of conducting a lesson.”

“Yes, that’s called being nice,” Sirius said. “Please, please, can I take Harry.”

“No.”

“Pleasepleasepleaseplease-“

“Black!”

“Oh fine. I’m going to ask Remus to marry me, and I need help picking out a ring.”

The class immediately went into a frenzy. Several people cooed, many yelled their congratulations, and others whooped in celebration. 

Only Draco Malfoy ran forward and stood in front of Sirius. 

“You are picking out jewelry and you want advice from Potter? Preposterous! To think that I, Draco Perseus Alain Malfoy, son of Narcissa Malfoy, your own blood cousin and the pinnacle of posh, was not consulted! Disgraceful!”

Sirius stared at the ranting blonde boy. Meanwhile, Harry had packed away his things and had come to stand beside Sirius. “How do we shut him up?” Harry asked balefully. 

Sirius shrugged. “Guess we don’t,” he said. “Snapey, I’m taking Draco too, okay, thanks, bye.”

Snape made to stride forward, but several students were quick to cast immobulus charms on him, ‘in the name of love’. Sirius shouted his thanks and left with his Harry-pup and the loud blonde git. 

Next stop, Diagon Alley. 

***

Only, no, not Diagon Alley, Draco said it was too plebeian and took them to Le Coûtuex in Ethere Alley. 

Sirius bought a diamond ring, which passed both Harry and Draco’s inspection. 

***

February 10th 1993,

Sirius Orion Black,

How dare you remove my son from school without my express permission and without telling anyone, I am going to absolutely eviscerate you. 

What could possibly have been so damned important as to make off with my son?

Furiously,

Narcissa Malfoy.

***

Narcissa Bubblegum Black-Malfoy,

Marriage has made you a pill. You were more fun before you met that enormous blonde cock. 

Besides, I didn’t take Draco, Draco wouldn’t let go of me. I only wanted to take Harry shopping for rings. I am going to ask Remus to marry me, you see!

Draco took us to this hoity toity little shop, and we bought a ring! It’s very nice, Remus is going to absolutely ravish me the moment he realizes that he is being proposed to!

You may now congratulate me. 

Yours with ambivalence, 

Sirius. 

***

Sirius Orion, 

Stop calling me names, why can’t you be proper for once in your life. 

You are going to cause the end of the Black line, marrying that werewolf. Really, the Family deserves better than you. Lupin deserves better than you. 

I hope that you at least chose a classy ring at Le Coûteux, or I shan’t be able to show my face there again.

Narcissa.

***

Cissy Pissy,

The family can go and boil themselves. Remus loves me, and I can suck his cock and nibble his ears like nobody else can even dream of. He is very happy with me!

Kindly keep your bigotry away from me, my darling soon-to-be husband, my darling godson, and my darling dead brother’s ghost. At least your son isn’t as much of a fish faced lunatic as you and your anal retentive husband are. 

And for your kind information, my jewelry choices are very classy, because I am very classy!

Nuts to you,

Sirius.

***

Sirius Orion,

You are most certainly not classy, you wore red leather trousers for most of your teens. I despair of you and your life choices. Kindly keep away from my son.

Narcissa.

***

Dear Skunk Hair,

At least I didn’t dye half of my hair blonde to please my poncey husband. And red is so my color. And don’t you tell me whom I can and cannot associate with! Just for that, I am inviting Draco to my wedding! 

Oh! Oh! And! He likes Remus, he thinks that he’s actually NICE!

Your bigotry has come to bite you in your non-existent arse! 

Nyah!

Sirius!

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tiny chapter to wrap it all up

The wedding was a small but lovely affair, as everyone who was present would attest. Sirius beamed at Remus, who smiled shyly back. Standing with Sirius was Regulus, who was his slightly translucent best man, and with Remus stood Harry. 

Hermione and Ron had been in charge of the decorations - Hermione had soundly vetoed Ron's orange and black Chudley Cannons colour scheme and forged forward with her own more tasteful picks of pastel blue and pearl white. 

Neville was the flower girl.

Draco, for some obscure reason, was officiating the ceremony. 

Sirius had no idea how this last choice had come to be, but he strongly suspected that Draco had added his name and role into Hermione's notes whilst she had been sleeping, and Remus had allowed the change.

"But why?" Harry hissed, as Draco smoothed his white and gold minister robes and adorned himself with jewelery that his mother had owled him for the occasion. 

"I suspect that Remus is secretly fond of the little blighter," Sirius muttered back. "I swear that I saw a Snickers bar sticking out of Draco's pocket, and where else is he going to get muggle chocolate from?"

With no parents on either side, Albus and Minerva sat in for Remus' parents, while Sirius comandeered Nearly Headless Nick and Moaning Myrtle as his temporary dad and mum. Then Narcissa had shown up and booted Myrtle out of the seat, claiming that she was a blood relation, for god's sake Sirius. 

Sirius had countered by owling Andromeda to replace Narcissa as his mum. Not one to be outdone, Narcissa booted Nearly Headless Nick out and proceeded to fulfill the role of the father. 

Now, standing across from Remus, Sirius could hardly believe how lucky he was-

"Dearly beloved!" Draco screeched.

-clearly, he had bungled in a past life, Sirius thought bitterly, but subsided when he saw Remus grinning fondly at Draco. 

"We are gathered here today to witness the union of two souls. Witness for the groom, state your name and your relation to the groom(s)!" Draco demanded, whirling upon Harry. 

"I'm Harry James Potter, and I'm Sirius' and Remus' godson," Harry chirped. 

"I am Regulus Arcturus Black, brother of Sirius Orion Black," Regulus stated somberly. 

"The ceremony is to be officiated by myself - Draco Perseus Alain Caeserion Malfoy, Third of the Name. Grooms, grasp each other's hands!" Draco eyed them beadily until they complied.

"I shall now begin the vows. Remus John Lupin, son of Lyall Lupin, son of, er, Anarawd Lupin, son of - dear god - Cyn, Cyndi- dew..."

"Cynddelw," Lupin said. "Pronounced Kin-del-oo."

"Who asked you to be Welsh?" Draco demanded, then had a fit. "ARGH! I give up! Black, you are next!

"Sirius Orion Black, son of Orion Arcturus, son of Arcturus Perseus, son of Perseus Julius, son of Julius Phineas, son of Phineas Nigellus, son of Nigellus Brutus-"

"Yes, thank you, Sirius said, rolling his eyes, "I am massively inbred, blah blah, can we please move on?"

"Fine," Draco pouted. "Do you take each other?"

"We do," they said. 

"Then by the powers vested in my blood, the blood of the Malfoys, and the blood of the Blacks, going back to 200 years Before Merlin-"

"Inbred," Sirius whispered, "so, so inbred."

"-I, Draco Perseus Alain Caeserion Theseus Malfoy, Third of the name-"

"Is it just me, or does his name keep getting longer?" Remus muttered. 

"That's nothing, his fifth middle name is Ceclilia," Sirius whispered. 

"-do hereby declare you wed!" 

And at long last, Sirius was able to kiss the man of his dreams, and seal his love with a promise of many more kisses to come. 

***

And they lived happily ever after, with Harry as their adopted son, and Draco as their not-quite-adopted son. 

Voldemort never rose again, because Pettigrew never found him in Albania or wherever the hell he was, and Voldemort's wraith was eaten by a wild pig or something. Harry, with the horcrux, lived a long and happy life, completely and sweetly oblivious, and got a job as a preschool teacher in a wizarding nursery school, where he played with babies all day long. 

And if it was Dumbledore who tracked Voldemort down, and let the pig lose in Albania, then, who really cared?

Even Regulus got his happy ending, and entered into a slightly translucent courtship with Nearly Headless Nick. Nick really didn't know what to make of having Sirius as his brother-in-law, but then again, no one really knew what to make of Sirius on a regular basis. 

Well, no one but his family, and really, that was all Sirius needed.


End file.
